I'm thinking

that I'm going to end this blog. It's been dying for a while now and I find myself with not much of value to say.

And when I do have something to "say" it's really more I'm taking the cowardly way out of placing it on this blog, knowing it'll be read, rather than actually saying it to the person(s) it's intended for. Of course that means I won't ever say it and it'll fester and rot away, but I'm used to that and it's comfortable.

I know that by saying I'm going to end it, only means that tomorrow, or even later tonight, I'll be struck by something I HAVE to say. And if that happens, then so be it and this will just be a fake out.

I'm not exactly sure, if I'm going to delete it or just leave it for some unsuspecting someone who finds some comfort in it. Or laughs at the utter ridiculousness of it.

And even if I do wind up posting other things, I'll no longer use it as a form of passive communication. It's not an effective way to communicate and I'm never happy with feedback (or lack there of) I receive. Which is not to place blame, one cannot expect to receive a response if a question/statement is not made directly to anyone in particular.

I've never been one to write for feedback or other's responses and this blog has seen that change. I don't care for it.

Sometimes

I do things that I know will hurt*. It's somehow cathartic. Not enough to cause real detriment to myself, but just enough so I'm aware. As if I'm always trying to prepare myself for an unknown large amount of pain.

Akin to training oneself to run a marathon or swim across an ocean or do some other endurance test.

If you get acclimated to the smaller bits of pain, then the larger, more oppressive one that will, no doubt, come one day will be marginally easier to accept and bear.

Or maybe it's just so I can berate myself. So I can tell myself, what a stupid thing that was/is to do, and you should not do that and avoid it. But then I argue back that I must, that it's my penance or my burden. And then I have an imaginary argument/conversation with myself where I say all the things, I'll never really say. I do that quite often. It's a good thing I'm alone a lot.

Or maybe it's just so I can feel strongly about one thing. I spend so much time contemplating, adapting, accepting that this is just the way it is. There's no point in fighting it, just accept it. If you fight it, you'll only make it worse. Acceptance of the way it is, (whatever "it" may be) is just, well, the devil i know. And better the devil you know, than the one you don't.

Besides it seems even on the few occasions when I do resist, or rather don't accept, it never works out in my favor anyways. So why waste the effort? Why be disappointed in the failure of trying? If you don't try, you can't fail, and can't be disappointed. Or rather, more disappointed than you are by just accepting.

and i've begun to ramble...

*We're not talking actual physical self-harm here. Always emotional. I don't have the stomach for physical self-harm. Or the skin. I bruise easily and heal badly.

delayed reaction

I've always been the type of person who needs time to process information. Good or bad I've learned I cannot trust any initial reaction or response as to how I truly feel about something.

I think it's due to my ability/disability to empathize with both sides of any situation. I live in the middle ground, easily tottering back and forth to each side.

Or maybe it's my strong desire to want to hide what my true emotions are, because if people don't know them, they can't use them against you, they don't know they have the power to hurt you or that they already have. It's a way to keep people distant without them knowing. I've become most adept at it.

words words words words words words words words words.

I'm so tired of words.

It hurts and I am a fucking fool.

if only they made a map for life

Am feeling lost as of late. Or maybe for a long time and I've only just now been able to vocalize it. Just a strong force of "I don't know what to do."

Maybe it's just that I don't want to revert back to the doing the one thing that, really, won't solve any problems, but would firmly close the door on one, thus ending it's debate in my life.

I keep hoping for another option to present itself and I can't seem to find one.

I try to focus on solving other problems and those fall flat as well.

I have no solutions for the majority of them and the one plausible 'solution' I can't muster the strength to make. Finding myself hoping I never do, which only further compounds the argument that I should.

At the end of the day, if feels like it doesn't really matter, because it won't affect anyone other than myself. Such is the story of my life. People are spectators and make guest appearances, but my life, it's goings-on and the decisions/actions I make, have no real impact on anyone else. No one's invested enough to care.

There's a reason they're considered great writers

They've sifted thorough the millions of words to find a way to say it correctly.

"Thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler."
— Friedrich Nietzsche

it's my blog and I'll ignore it if I feel like it.

This is usually the category I fall squarely into.

"She’s the one you call when you’re bored or sometimes when you and your significant other had a fight because she makes you laugh. She’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because she’s willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She’s the one you spend time with between buddies, before you find “The One”. You know the one who hangs around in the meantime."